The Greatest Story Ever!
by JasonEpsilon725
Summary: Bolt Uzumaki decides to write a story about his father, so he'll never truly be gone. \\To celebrate the end of Naruto and 700 chapters of brilliance, it seemed fitting for there to be one last parody fanfic to ridicule what a lot of our stories used to be, before we all collectively moved on and began writing stories about the next generation. One-shot.


"Uzumaki Naruto," Iruka called as class started, checking the register of names and checking who was in today.

The classroom's doors were suddenly blown off their hinges as a choir of heavy metal guitars and angelic lamenters heralded the arrival of the all-new uber-badass Uzumaki Naruto. The doors struck either side of the room and exploded violently, but they were not as violent as the the all-new uber-badass Uzumaki Naruto. Despite still legally being of Genin age, he now looked to be sixteen, because he was. He'd had a little chat with the Kyuubi sealed within him, and it had certainly borne fruit.

Naruto now looked like a badass muscular 16-year old with blonde hair and blue eyes, wearing an unbuttoned big black capelike overcoat similar to his dad's white coat over a bright orange kimono with black and crimson highlights and golden epaulettes, even though it's the wrong time period for epaulettes. At his right hip, he had three double-edged double-bladed titansteel katanas in their black sheathes. He wore ninja sandals, because all ninja wore ninja sandals, and deviating from the norm to choose something more rational or suited for fighting for your life was not something the author was willing to do with this story.

Last night, when Mizuki tricked him into stealing The Forbidden Scroll from his own village(Except not really, because with Kyuubi's assistance, Naruto's intelligence had grown with his power. Naruto's brain was now capable of sixty-nine times the speed of an ordinary human brain, and he could multiply this number by four to a theoretically limitless number whenever he wanted, as well as allowing himself to return to normal. He could also see faster. This effect also made Naruto completely immune to Genjutsu and Poison somehow, even though a demonically-enhanced and hastened metabolism should logically make the user more susceptible to poison, as it would make its way around the body quicker. Anyway, Naruto only went along with Mizuki's plan because he wanted an excuse to read that scroll and unlock his badass hidden potential.)

That night, he read the entire scroll in twenty minutes, and then he went inside his own mind and met the Nine-Tailed Fox. That night, she granted him power.

He could remember seeing her, the big badass scary monster fox that turned into a smoking hot tsundere woman once he stopped being scared of her and started being nice to her. The fox was actually an incredibly attractive woman, mature and refined and dangerous, defying the universal law that only young people can be hot by being old, really, really old. She was in her late twenties... and she was still hot. She had fox-orange hair, the same face-markings as Naruto and similar eye-makeup to the eyeliner/markings she wore while in Kyuubi mode, and she wore a backless strapless orange evening gown that barely covered her perky cannonball-sized 'Shock absorbers' that matched Tsunade's in size exactly. All in all, she was hot, and tsundere, and that was all that mattered to some people. Oh, and she also hated the Leaf Village, and any village that was mean to its Jinchuriki.

How much power and knowledge had the millenia-old immortal fox-shaped seemingly-demonic chakra construct given him? Honestly, it would be quicker to list the Bloodlines and Kekkei Genkai he didn't have. And that list would be blank, because he had everything and then some, and they could all be turned on and off at will. Was this overpowered? Yes. Was it awesome? Eeeyup.

"Naruto, please take your seat. Though I must admit, you've definitely improved with your Transformation Jutsus." Iruka said, doing the smart thing and assuming Naruto was just using a Transformation Jutsu.

"That's not the only thing I've improved." Naruto said, winking at some random green-haired Sasuke-fangirl he didn't know. Her head exploded like a watermelon struck by a Rasengan, and a Medic-Nin with brown hair, dead brownish eyes, and a face covered by a white facemask popped up out of nowhere to casually begin healing her.

"Wow, Naruto! I didn't know you had a badass older brother!" Ino called out.

"What a drag." Shikamaru sighed for no reason at all.

"Nom, nom, nom." Chouji mumbled while eating crisps.

"How troublesome." Shikamaru said, because that was the alternative english translation of Mendokusei, his catchphrase.

"Nom nom nom nom nom..." Chouji mumbled while eating more crisps.

Ino started yelling something in the background, her annoying stupid-sounding fake-chirpy voice contrasting with the odd lines and word choices and reminding listeners of whatever actors did the Voice Acting for most Sonic The Hedgehog video game characters. What she was saying was not important, and neither was she.

"What a troublesome drag." Shikamaru stated. The desk he was sitting at burst into flames, but he was too lazy to care.

And in the background, Chouji resumed eating. "NomNomNomNomNomNomNomNomNom..."

* * *

><p><em>MEANWHILE, THOUSANDS OF CENTIMETERS AWAY...<em>

"So, you three just need to take these two bells, and-" Kakashi said as he held out two bells in front of the three Genin.

"This is stupid, and you're stupid." Sasuke pouted like a lame emo brat. Which he totally freaking was. Especially when he was all, like, sad and stuff. God, what a prick! Harry Potter's backstory outsadded his and he was never this emo! Remember Itachiiii! The author thought in rage as he threw another dart at a dartboard with the Uchiha's face on it, and missed, striking the area of wall between his recently-printed-off Spaceballs poster(He had seen that film the other week, after pirating it moments after hearing about it on TvTropes) andthe tiny shelf upon which rested his 3D-Printed Mouse that was custom-made to fit his unskilled hands and used open-source drivers and wasn't really worth the money he spent on making it 'His' at all. "I'm an Uchiha, so I should automatically win every test ever." Sasuke said emosihly. In the background, someone started playing The Sad Violin Song with the world's smallest violin.

"Sasuke-Kun is right!" Sakura squealed like a tiny useless stupid-ass lapdog pomemarian thing. She then hit Naruto, because manbeating is comedy gold and certainly not a serious problem that everyone, especially real people, should seek help about if that happens to them or anyone they know, because this is a mature comedy and mature comedy equals dick jokes, boob jokes, fanservice parodied and overblown, and pain and suffering for either the protagonist or his jerk friend. Puns are for kid's shows, and morals are for those 'Knowing Is Half The Battle' GI Joe shows.

"Screw my teammates, I need power and free stuff handed to me, so I can kill Itachi, and then exploit the Clan Restoration Act so I can have a huge-ass harem!" Sasuke yelled unSasukeishly as the sad violin music changed, now being played on air horns. "Kakashi, fail my teammates and let me pass!"

"Sasuke-Kun is right!" Sakura squealed again.

There was a ten-second pause.

"...Wait, what?" Sakura asked.

"That is the dumbest thing I've ever heard. You are unreasonably- no, impossibly arrogant." Kakashi stated. "Literally. I'm pretty sure at least one teacher should have picked up on your Obsessive Backstabbing Disorder and titanic ego."

"The Konoha Academy sucks. I'm living proof of that." Naruto pointed out.

"If that's true, then how are our Rookie Nine some of the strongest Ninja in the world, despite barely trainijg most of them at all?" Kakashi asked. "And you're really not a good example of anything. You're the son of the third Hokage-"

Sakura gasped. "HE IS?!"

Kakashi ignored her. "And you're the son of the previous Jinchuriki of the Kyuubi-"

"HE IS?!" Sakura gasped.

"So you already have enhanced vitality and chakra reserves, and you've got whatever powers and boosts the Kyuubi gives you-"

"HE DOES?!" Sakura gasped.

Kakashi stared at Sakura for four seconds.

And then he spin-kicked her. She hit the ground like a sack of potatoes, and stayed there, because she sucks, like potatoes. Real men eat fruit.

"Sakura!" Naruto gasped.

"Relax." Sasuke stated, folding his arms. "She's a sucker for punishment, she doesn't mind pain, and she has no idea when to give up. Why do you think she's still in love with me? Besides my natural Uchiha awesomeness. Which may be caused by Genjutsu or Pheromones."

And then Sasuke burst into laughter. "Just kidding, that's how you get your girls. Loser."

Naruto growled at Sasuke, mentally promising to kick his ass later. And I mean really, really kick it. He'd kick it so hard, the author would forget that Sasuke is a capable Ninja despite his personality flaws, and instead turn the asskicking scene into the kind of DBZ-level Most-Things-Involving-Freeza-ish Smackdown that made the reader wonder if they were still reading a Naruto fanfic, or if they accidentally clicked an ad and ended up reading one of those infamously bad Fluffy Pony stories.

"Sasuke-Kun..." Sakura mumbled as she got up, her hands aglow with healing jutsu as she healed herself.

"What?! But she hasn't even been taught medical jutsu yet!" Kakashi said, then shrugged. "Meh, doesn't matter. I mean, 'Maa', doesn't matter. Because that's how meh is pronounced in Japanese, apparently. According to subs, at least. And everyone knows that subs are 100% accurate ways of learning a language. After all, Dora The Explorer taught thousands of Americans how to ask for a Map in Spanish. Anyway... Naruto, you have obscene power levels, and the strongest of the Tailed Beasts, not that we knew that when we were raising you. We thought you were just an immature no-name brat. Even though you're last name is Uzumaki, for crying out loud, and someone really should have noticed. Maybe a friend of your mother's, or something? Even with those Uchiha and Hyuuga girls dying, they should still have people who knew them, or saw them together, or at least knew the name! Anyway, you're really not a good yardstick for measuring the Academy's ability to teach, or-"

Naruto suddenly appeared in front of Kakashi, roundhouse-kicking him in the head hard enough to send him sprawling through seven trees. "I have had it with your ****ing bull****!" He growled like the Dark Knight incarnation of Batman.

"Why are you swearing?" Sasuke asked.

"Because I'm a goddamned badass, and all damn badasses swear a lot!" Naruto declared. "Crap hell damn fart!"

Sasuke rolled his eyes. "Even with the Demon Fox inside you-"

"Her name is Kurama!" Naruto shouted.

Sasuke rolled his eyes. "Even with the Demon Fox inside you-"

"Her name is Kurama!" Naruto shouted.

"I know, idiot!" Sasuke snapped. "I'm showing off that I'm an evil jerk by refusing to learn the names of people or things. Even though there are people out there with geniune problems with remembering human names or connecting with people on any emotional level, but nobody cares about them because watching them try to make friends isn't anywhere near as entertaining as watching some of the more obviously-messed-up people fail at things."

"That's not evil, that's just rude." Naruto stated. "And you can't call messed-up people messed-up anymore, that's also bad."

"I'm the villain of this story! I do what I want!" Sasuke yelled angrily in a whiny emo way. "And you're the hero, so you get your ass kicked a lot to prove that you suck and evil people are always cooler, stronger, better-looking, and they have better powers, and cooler gear, and no lame moral crap holding them back from doing awesome stuff. Empire for life! The Serenity crew were the real villains! Glenda the Good Witch is evil! **ALL HAIL BRITTANIA!**"

**"Why you little-"** Naruto growled, and dashed forwards, and then they fought.

"Susano'o!" Sasuke shouted, summoning the upper body of a huge purple bird-man-skeleton-machine-thing the size of a giant robot. "This monster is only a fourth the size of my ego, but it's still enough to defeat you!"

"WHAT THE HELL?!" Kakashi shouted.

Naruto ignored him, and unleashed the Kyuubi, standing atop the head of a badass Godzilla-sized fox with nine tails.

"YOU RELEASED THE KYUUBI! WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!" Sakura screamed, panicking.

**"I don't like her. Where's that badass Hinata girl? Even I ship you with her."** The Kyuubi said in loud and dramatic bold font, as her tails did that thing where they whip back and forth awesomely. One tail struck a nursery, but nobody died. Another tail struck a Lawyer Home, and nobody was missed. Finally, another tail struck The Village Council's house, and everyone cheered. And then screamed and crapped themselves and ran away in fear because holy crap, there's a monster in our village. A literal one, this time, instead of just a bunch of metaphorical ones!

"Hinata isn't badass." Sakura pointed out, thinking of the blue-haired fainting girl.

"Yet." The Kyuubi said with a grin, thinking of the badass Hyuuga Clan heiress she'd become. Because apparently, Tailed Beasts can see into the future.

"Hey! Do you think anyone's going to be okay with a character pulling a random ability out of nowhere, then thinking that just because you lampshaded it like an inexperienced mediocre first-week Troper, you think that one sentence justifies it?" Naruto yelled at the author. "It doesn't! Spray-painting a big red arrow at the flaws in crappy writing just calls even more attention to them!"

Naruto had also brought a chocolate bar with him. Also, his double-bladed katanas could sprout extra blades at will. And they could gain even more blades by feeding off the iron in blood from its victims, even though Iron was crappy, Steel was better, the Iron Age had passed long ago for a reason, and it would take a ridiculous amount of litres/liters of healthy adult blood before any sword-worthy amount could be extracted from the sanguine life-fluid. Screw logic, the author wanted to inject some liquid edge into this story after buying fifty CCs of the stuff in syringes from a vending machine at Starbucks along with an overpriced fourteen-dollar cup pf coffee(Fourteen dollars?! That's like, a million yen, or three british pounds!), and that edge manifested as Naruto's Swords's new edges.

"Sweet!" Naruto yelled, eating the chocolate bar.

Sasuke's ego-fuelled Susano'o blindsided Naruto with a huge punch to the entire body at once. Naruto was thrown through trees and buldings, causing massive property damage that he would be blamed for by the eeeevil Village Council. Because forcing someone to take responsibility for their actions was the evillest thing possible. The Kyuubi did nothing to help him, because sudden punches were more dramatic. After the hit, she reached back with a tail and grabbed Naruto out of the air with her soft, fluffy fur that he could just sink into forever and pretend he was living amongst the clouds... and she plonked him back onto her giant head unceremoniously as she awesomely landed on her feet, negating inertia completely through sheer awesomeness, reminded him that there was a fight going on, and there was plenty of time for that sort of thing later. Maaaybe never. Maybe in a later lemon clop oneshot that would be placed on the 'Other' writing site, because even this writing site has some standards.

"Sasuke, you are a douchebag!" Naruto yelled. "The douchiest douche that ever douched!"

"Go, Sasuke!" Sakura chirped happily, standing in a huge blackened crater.

"Ego beam!" Sasuke declared suddenly, and his Susano'o fired what looked like a red Kamehameha at Naruto. Because saying "It cupped its hands, gathered malevolent dark/red/evil energy/chakra/ki between his palms in the form of a small glowing orb of condensed energy, and then unleashed it forwards into a blazing beam of focused and condensed power, obliteration, raw destructive energy" just took too long to type. It hit the badass fox teen, and the beam exploded in huge blast that vaporized the entire left half of Konoha. Literally, the entire left half. If someone looked at the place with a bird's eye view, they'd see an enormous spherical crater where half of a village used to be.

With a small sound effect, a black box appeared at the bottom of Sasuke's vision, an Uzumaki Clan swirl-symbol on the box's right side, a few rows of white letters on the right. The writing said: **Achievement unlocked: Un-Kill-Lievable! 4,000,000 casualties.**

"Meh." Sasuke shrugged. "I'm an Uchiha, I'm above the law. Always. Especially when Kishimoto himself lets me break the rules of the story just to keep it going." And then, his confidence went away, as if it was all an act. "...I mean... Uh... Some scholars say that Kishimoto may have been the Sage of the Six Path's true name, and Naruto's true dad, and stuff. I certainly didn't break the fourth wall just then, because I'm a minor character, I can't do that kind of thing, this job means a lot to me, I have three kids, D's thinking about a fourth, and she made me have each one instead of her, so she could focus on her athletic stuff, while I'm 'Just a Ninja' who can handle sticking to the shadows and not letting anybody see them for a few months'. I don't even know how she did it, she just did. And-"

"SHUT UP AND KEEP THE FIGHT GOING!" Naruto yelled, standing atop his Kyuubi's head as he fell down from the sky, revealing that he had jumped and was totally not hit, three Rasengan balls forming around his Kyuubi and spinning around her. Because "Spiralling balls of blue energy rotating faster than a tornado and with ten times the destructive power, orbiting her sleek vulpine form like moons orbiting a sun" just took too long to type.

Naruto and his Kyuubi prepared to land, but mostly prepared to land a punch on Sasuke. They fused, just like in Dragon Ball Z, and the resulting fusion looked badass and scary and manly and glowy and awesome. Because it would take too long to imagine what that would actually look like, imagine it harder, and then write what it looked like while adding in visual effects and then sprinkling on prose so purple it could make Twilight's face turn blue, sprinkling that purple prose on the way Mermaid Man from Spongebob Squarepants requested for an absurd amount of pepper to be sprinkled on his meal when he visited the Krusty Krab in Spongebob Squarepants: Lights Camera Pants, the Video Game for the Playstation 2 that played like a less-annoying Mario Party game. ...Do not look at the author like that, he/she has a near-eidetic memory.

Naruto and his Kyuubi, whatever her name was(The author has forgotten), kept falling down as the two, who had become one, kept on falling down for an awesome downwards meteor punch. Because Sasuke had an ego, he did not send an Inferno Style black-flame spear through Naruto's falling chest. Ego was definitely the best excuse for stupidity that'd make a Bond Villain weep. Especially when used as a general catch-all anti-criticism anti-plothole stupidity-justifying shield. Instead, he swung up a Susano'o fist to meet Naruto's fist head-on, because punching each other's fists was definitely a good idea when it came to fighting.

"NARUTOOOOOOOOOOO!" Sasuke growled as he swung his fist up faster, black flames appearing to push it forwards like a macabre eldritch rocket. Of doom.

"SASUKEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" Naruto yelled back, his own fist bursting into red and black flames.

"NARUTOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAH!" Sasuke growled louder, swinging harder, leaving behind lines in the air that burned black.

"SASUKEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEY!" Naruto yelled as an insane number of spinning Rasengans appeared around him.

"NARUTOOOOOAOOAOOOOOAOOOAAOAAA!" Sasuke screamed as an emo background of blood-red and jet-black swirled behind him as his emo powers overloaded.

"SASUKEEEEEEEEEEEYEEEYEEEEYEYEYEYEEEEAAAHH!" Naruto screamed as a bright background of multicoloured rainbow-ish prismatic colours vibrated behind him as his hero powers overloaded.

"Donkey!" Said a talking Donkey.

Naruto and Sasuke's attacks collided. There was a flash of white that removed all the colour from the world, the two fighters silhouetted black upon a void of white. And then a wave of black energy with white lightning crackling across it expanded outwards, obliterating everything and killing everyone in a radius of two hundred billion billion billion-

* * *

><p>"Hey there, Son, what'cha writing?" An older Naruto asked as he snuck up behind his son, BorutoBaritone/Bolt, and took the blank notebook his son was writing on. He'd even gotten a writing desk with built-in drawers, pens, quills with ink, everything a writer or artist could possibly need.

"Dad! Give that back!" Bolt demanded, turning around on his chair in his room and trying to reach up and grab the book out of his father's hands.

Naruto quickly raised his hands and the notebook out of his son's reach as he stepped back and flicked through the pages with an amused grin, expecting to see something silly. This... was not what he was expecting. His grin faded. He wasn't quite sure what to make of what he was reading... besides the fact that it was pretty weird. He passed the book back to Bolt, and then knelt down so that he was eye-level with his son.

"Hey... Bolt?" Naruto asked, radiating fatherly warmth and kindness and understanding.

"D-Dad?" Bolt asked, not expecting this reaction at all. He stared up at his father with a surprised and slightly-confused expression Naruto found incredibly familiar. It almost hurt to look at, seeing himself reflected like this, but he found it strangely okay at the same time.

"You know how we have Story Time every week, on Monday Night, where your Mom and I tell you about our childhoods, how we became Ninja, and how we became who we are today?"

"Yeah?" Bolt said, looking up.

A few seconds passed.

"Are you going to stop that?" Bolt asked quietly. His dad was usually so busy with being the Hokage, the badass leader of the entire village, that he rarely got time to see his son. That one night a week was the one time he knew, with absolute certainty, that he would be able to see his father. He didn't want to lose that.

Naruto put his hand on Bolt's head reassuringly. "Don't worry, we're still doing that. But... What's up with these books?"

"I really liked your adventures, and I wanted to write my own!" Bolt insisted. "That way, Story Time never had to end!"

"That's good, but... This doesn't really feel like something new, it just feels like you're retelling the same story, changing things in the wrong ways. You're trying to make it more awesome, like something out of DragonBall Z, but it just takes away the emotional impact and depth the real story originally had. Look at this part... You described Sakura as a 'Pink pomerarian thing'? I'm not even sure if that's how you're supposed to spell that word. And she isn't like that anymore, she's pretty cool now. And Sasuke... Remember that time, way, way back near the start of it all, when I told you about how I fought Zabuza and Haku, and got a bridge named after me? He took a huge Fuuma Shuriken to the back for me and saved my life, without even thinking about it. Or he did think about it, but didn't want to admit to doing that. Either way, he's not some evil jerk who exists to make the main hero look good by comparison."

"But... Everyone used to be so mean to you!" Bolt protested. "How can they not be evil?"

"They were jerks, but they weren't even half as bad as some books make them out to be. And even if they were, the Old Man would have done something to stop it. It was really more of a quiet hatred, anyway. Anyway, It's alright, they were never evil, they were just scared of Kurama. Who is a guy, by the way. And now, they've realised that he's pretty cool, too. Because I never gave up, and I didn't need some evil bargain or super-ability to make myself powerful enough to win fights. Did I tell you about how I beat Neji Hyuuga in the Chunin Exams?"

"A few times, yeah." Bolt said, having heard that story more than a few times. He then thought of those epic multi-chapter fights he saw in Dragon Ball Z. "But... Wouldn't it have been cooler if you blew him up right away with super chakra lasers?" He asked.

"Not really. Hinata said that fight has tons of 'Deep symbolism', like how Neji was so sure and confident and obsessed with fate and how 'Things are what they are, and they cannot be changed' that he fell for my Shadow Clone trick, and didn't to think to question it or look down, which was right when the former dead-last rose up and knocked him out with one solid hit. And the way I fought my battles my way, without relying too much on my Tailed Beast, proved that I'm more than just his Vessel." Naruto said sagely. And then, he grinned. "I just think that fight was really, really awesome."

"Yeah, it was." His son agreed, mirroring his grin. "So... You're not mad that you kiss the Kyuubi and all the other girls in chapter 18?"

"I do what?!" Naruto asked in horror as his demonic passenger laughed with a deep echoing tone. He stepped back and pulled his hand away from his son's head, flipping through the book quicker, hoping his son was just joking. Near the end, the book's outline was written in quick notes, with edits and crossed-out lines and notes to himself and arrows pointing to earlier or later lines clearly visible. It was clear that this was where he initially planned out the story. And when he got to what was planned for chapter 18...

"It's worse than Ero-Sannin's books!" Naruto gasped, aghast. "How did you... When did you even... All of the... Did I even meet Yugito Nii when she wasn't already dead?! And wasn't she at least twenty-nine back then? And why-"

And then he noticed that his son looked absolutely crestfallen and deeply ashamed.

Naruto paused, and realised that his son really was trying his best. He moved his hand, so it was now on Bolt's shoulder, causing him to look up again. "Hey..." He began warmly. "It's good that you want to write stories about the people you love, and the people you like, and everyone else. Just make sure they're the kind of characters you can write a good story about without the plot falling apart, and most of all?" He closed the notebook, and handed it back to his son, who took it. "Make sure you don't lose what makes those people so great in the first place."

Bolt looked up at his father with tears welling up in his eyes, and closed his eyes to blink those tears back as he nodded, taking the notebook and putting it back into a desk drawer, taking out a new blank notebook to use instead. "Alright, Dad! Don't worry, I'll write an awesome story about you! And it'll be the greatest story ever! Believe it!"


End file.
